Introduction
Welcome to the very first issue of The Scary Salad Eater, our exclusive grindhouse magazine. Read on to catch a glimpse into your future with our "Horrorscope." Learn to mix a terrifying concoction with Creepy Linguine's Spooky Cocktail corner. Check out our featured Salad Siren- a real knockout named Cherry Tomato (just don't stare or you might end up in her next lasagna). Finally, we're excited to share two original horror stories- Stop Whining and Next Door Dogs.
Enjoy!
Horrorscope
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Never one to back down from a challenge, eh, Aries? This month such boldness might lead you straight into your impending doom. I mean, it likely will no matter what you do, but heed my advice. The full moon on the horizon? It’s drawing the werewolf nearby that’s drawn to your fierce energy. Your go-getter attitude will make you the gotten so be careful not to let your impulsiveness get the better of you. Keep silver close at hand.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You’re steady, reliable, and sinfully in love with your creature comforts, Taurus. It’s too bad that October is going to fuck that all up for you. That thing you’ve been sensing in the shadows? It’s your doppleganger, Taurus. A perfect copy of yourself, lurking in the mirror, waiting for you to slip up so it can slip in. Your refusal to budge from routine is certainly cute, but sometimes even the most grounded souls need to be cautious of the threats hiding in plain sight. Watch for people (or things) imitating your every move. I highly recommend not sleeping for the duration of October if you value your life.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Curiosity killed the cat, Gemini, and now it’s set its sights on you. Always looking for something new, you’re likely to find yourself poking around where you shouldn’t– whether it’s the murder house on the corner or inside an ancient book at the local library. Unfortunately, your playful energy is likely to awaken a demon this month, a bitter wraith that loves nothing more than wreaking havoc on chatty, inquisitive souls like you. Mistress Obsidian says mind your mischief or you’ll end up in a situation even your quick wit can’t escape.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Cancer, Cancer, Cancer. Always seeking refuge in your own private little world. This month, the deep waters you’re used to navigating will begin to swallow you. Indeed, there is something beneath the surface that senses your emotional vulnerability; the Kraken. While you're hiding away in your cozy shell, don’t get too comfortable. It’s tentacles are long enough to reach even the safest harbors. I’d tell you to reach out to friends for support, but we all know that Kraken has already gotten to them first.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Leo, you snotty little center-of-attention, you. This month, you’ve drawn something dark to your spotlight. Beware the incubus–or succubus– who finds your charm irresistible. These seductive creatures thrive on attention and are waiting in the shadows to feed on your shine. Don’t let your guard down, especially when you think the crowd is cheering just for you. They’re not. Keep your ego in check this month or face the consequences.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Virgo, my darling perfectionist, you. You’re always focused on the details. But this month is a real thorn on in your side; those tiny, seemingly insignificant details are bound to lead you straight into the arms of a vampire. They thrive on your meticulousness, you know, aware that you won’t see such obvious danger until it’s right in your face. Why, you’ll be too busy rearranging the bookshelves to notice the missing reflection in the mirror! Keep your garlic handy– and do remember that you simply can’t plan for everything.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Harmony might be your middle name, Libra, but October is here to knock you off-balance. Expect things to go missing, strange rappings at night, and general disarray in your home–courtesy of one particularly playful poltergeist. Your relentless pursuit of fairness and order will only egg this tyrant of a spirit on. So, go ahead. Embrace the mess for a change, and Mistress Obsidian will see you in November.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Scorpio, you’re no stranger to the darkness; you thrive in it. But this month, your comfort will lead you into danger. Quite literally, really. The Hat Man is watching you from the shadows, lurking in the edges of our dimension. Just don’t look too closely at that dark corner…you might find he’s made more of you than you know. So don’t invite something in that you can’t control…
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You're a born adventurer, Sagittarius, always looking for your next thrill. But this October, your wanderlust may lead you straight into a horde of zombies almost as dimwitted as you are. Your quick legs might save you, but remember — not every adventure needs to be a life-or-death experience. Stay alert, especially on those nighttime hikes through creepy woods. And don’t get cocky; sometimes, the monsters move faster than you think. Pack your bow and arrows (and maybe a little common sense) if you plan to survive this one.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Capricorn, you’ve been burning the candle at both ends lately, and it's starting to show. Careful, you know. You might start getting wrinkles (or make those unsightly fine lines of yours worse.)Yes, in the dim light of your exhaustion, something tall, thin, and faceless is watching you — the Slenderman. He feeds on stress and overwork, and you've been providing him with plenty of both. Take a break before this malevolent figure pulls you deeper into his web of despair. Remember, no amount of success is worth losing your soul to a faceless entity. Get some rest before the shadows grow too long.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Your mind is a fascinating place, Aquarius — so fascinating, in fact, that something Lovecraftian is starting to take notice. This month, be careful of overthinking things. Your brilliant ideas could accidentally open up portals to other dimensions, and you never know what tentacled horror might slip through. While it's great to be inventive, keep one foot grounded in reality before you start drawing the eldritch symbols on your walls. Some knowledge is better left unexplored.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Pisces, you're already in tune with the spirit world, but this October, your psychic senses are in overdrive. Ghosts are drawn to your empathy, seeking comfort, but not all of them mean well. Be wary of welcoming every lost soul into your space, because one might be looking to take over more than just your time. Protect your energy, and remember that not all spirits are friendly — some are looking to drain your compassionate nature dry. Trust your intuition, but don’t let it lead you astray.
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